“Closed Captioned for the  Theologically Impaired!”

by Tony Handy

The  Rev. Herman Newtique

Rev: And so, I would sayeth unto thee.

Trans: He’s talking to you.

Rev: Hast thou been justified through the sacrificial blood of the atonement?

Trans: What he means is...have your sins been washed away by the blood of Jesus?

Rev: Hast thou received complete and unequivocal pardon for all, yeah, all of thine iniquities, via the vicarious sufferage of our predestined redeemer?

Trans: What he really means is...have your sins been washed away by the blood of Jesus?

Rev: Art thou a regenerated entity of spiritual nature? Or still an unrepentant being of this world that remaineth without supernatural kinship to the Father?

Trans: What he really means is... have your sins been washed away by the blood of Jesus?

Rev: If thou...if thou wouldst sayeth nay.

Trans: If your answer is no.

Rev: Then thou artest in the gravest of peril, oh dearest one!

Trans: Your in big trouble Home Boy!

Rev: Thou art in danger of eternal chastisement and seperation from the one who provideth proper propitiation.

Trans: You’re going to Hell!

Rev: Unlesseth!

Trans: Unless!

Rev: Thou wouldst receiveth sanctification through willful confession and sincere repentanenth!

Trans: You need to get right with God!

Rev: And so, in conclusion...

Trans: That don’t mean nothing!

Rev: As the sands of the hour glass quickly falleth.

Trans: Time is short.

Rev: The moment of spiritual clarification is upon us.

Trans: Time is really short!

Rev: Let us humbly entereth into the sanctuary of the eternal oneth!

Trans: Lets pray.

Rev: Ameneth!

Trans: The end!

Copyright 1988, Whitestone Ministries, All rights reserved